Losing the feeling of feeling unique.

i had my first piano lesson today.
apparently i learn really fast. :]
but there's a lot of habits i need to kick to really learn.
sorry nails, i must cut you off..

~~~~~

the next day at school, i felt like shit.
wanting to throw up, eyes puffy from crying..
i took that day as a day to find my true friends, and then to die.
i knew a friend who took pills before,
and she was the one i went to.
i wanted to know what i did wrong.

and she went to the counselor.

i hated that.
i didn't want attention. i wanted all the attention to go away already.
you'd think that if a person did something with the intention of no tomorrow, that they wouldn't think about having more attention.

but no, everyone took it as a "Charlotte needs attention! bring her to the hospital! make it a scene!"

i knew the confided friend only told my new closest friend.
and she didn't tell anyone, but with the silent riot in the school office, word got around of what i did.

i could see who honestly cared, but then there were the 'mourners' who just wanted to see if i really tried doing myself in.

this was less than a week before my birthday.

and it didn't help that the whole staff knew now.
the teacher who brought on the last screamfest from my dad actually tried being nice to me a couple times.
and counsellors kept 'dropping in' on me, to see if i was still in the state they left me in.
and i couldn't even tell my story right to the people trying to find out why i did whatever i did.

and that pissed me off because i wanted people to know.
i wanted them to see how everything they did was still scarring me.
and exactly what they were doing wrong.

but it would take a story as long or longer than this for them to get the message.

and i found myself as a troubled child.
how fitting for my emo attire.
of course, i hid how i felt on the inside when i was in public, especially with my friends.
i didn;t want to trouble them with how screwed up i am.

and i know what my parents would say.
"how can we help you if you don't tell us?"
and the problem?
they lost my trust quite a while ago when they wouldn't allow me to have friends.
and then news that reaches my parents about me will travel around to the whole freaking family.

when i saw my aunt on my birthday, she was preaching to me about going to hell if i was my own murderer.

my sister.. my sister cared, but i didn't want to keep talking so much, so she didn't know the whole story either.

i wanted to see a therapist, yes.
i wanted help.
i didn't want to want to die.

but my parents.. i forget what they said, but i think they wanted me to be as normal as i wanted to be.
but they didn't want me to see anyone.
i don't know why.